Is Resentment Blocking Your Intimacy?
In our latest newsletter, we explored the first step in rediscovering libido: reconnecting with yourself. Because until you know who you are, what you want, and what you desire, intimacy with another person can only go so far.
But once you begin reconnecting, two of the biggest barriers to desire often rise to the surface: the shame we feel about our bodies, and the resentment we carry towards our bodies, and often towards our partners as well.
Shame makes us hide, criticise, or disconnect from our own pleasure. Resentment makes us feel betrayed by the very body that has carried us through decades of life or creates distance with the people closest to us. Both are deeply damaging, and both need compassion and attention if desire is going to reawaken.
From Criticism to Compassion
So many of us spend midlife criticising our bodies - its changes, its softness, its unpredictability.
I know for me, this hasn’t been easy. During perimenopause, I really started to resent my body. My gut health went downhill, and I felt frustrated that I couldn’t eat the same foods or enjoy a glass of wine without everything flaring up. I’d also had pelvic issues after my children were born. I had surgery which really helped, and for a while things were manageable. But when perimenopause hit, it felt like everything started to unravel again. Back then I hadn’t even heard of the Genitourinary Syndrome of Menopause, and I just felt helpless, as though my body was letting me down.
And I know I’m not alone. Many of us have learned to be critical of our bodies over the years but as midlife brings new changes, like weight gain or shifting shape, that self-criticism can quietly intensify. Sadly, so much of that resentment comes from society’s narrow ideas of what a “good” body should look liken rather than how it actually feels to live in it.
So how do we soften toward our bodies again? It doesn’t have to be dramatic. Small shifts can make a big difference:
Notice what feels good rather than what looks good.
Wear fabrics that feel soft and nourishing.
Move in ways that give energy, instead of punishing yourself.
Catch your inner critic and gently reframe with gratitude: thank you for carrying me through so much, even when I haven’t always appreciated you.
On harder days, aim for body neutrality. Focus on what your body does for you rather than how it looks.
Look after your body with tenderness and care. Ageing is a natural process, and our bodies need more support now than before. If something doesn’t feel right, explore ways to help yourself feel better. Visit a pelvic floor physio, talk to a nutritionist or naturopath, or even trial hormones if you can see if they make a difference.
These may seem simple, but done consistently, they create space for compassion. And when compassion grows, desire has room to reawaken. Because the truth is this: your body was made for pleasure, and learning to see it as an ally again is where desire begins.
Discovering What Your Body Enjoys
When compassion begins to grow, curiosity often follows. You may start wondering what feels good in your body now. What brings comfort, aliveness, even pleasure. One of the most powerful ways to explore this is by simply spending time with your body, noticing what it enjoys, without pressure or performance.
Some gentle ways to begin:
Create a safe, private space - set aside time where no one needs you but you.
Use your senses - explore touch, breath, movement, and sound. Slow everything down.
Bring in what feels supportive or exciting - massage oils, textures, or toys if you feel drawn.
Engage imagination - erotic fiction or guided audio can be a gentle doorway in.
Notice, don’t judge - the aim isn’t to “achieve” something but to build awareness of what you enjoy.
Whether you’re single or partnered, this practice of exploring what your body enjoys is foundational. It deepens your connection to yourself and makes it easier to share intimacy when you want to. As Lara reminded us, pleasure is self-expression, and our bodies are made for it.
Relationships Under the Spotlight
Once you’ve begun reconnecting with yourself and your body, your relationships often come into sharper focus. Because the truth is this: it’s very hard to feel desire when unspoken resentment has built up.
For many women, this stage brings up difficult realisations. Sometimes we see that resentment has quietly gathered over years. Sometimes we notice how little we’ve voiced our needs or even how unclear we’ve been on what those needs are. And here’s the challenge: intimacy struggles often aren’t about sex itself, but about everything unsaid and unresolved beneath it.
A good place to start is with some gentle, honest questions:
How do I feel about my partner (if I have one)?
Have I communicated my wants and needs, or have I been expecting them to guess?
Do I even know what my partner’s needs are?
Is this relationship aligned with the life I want now?
If some of the answers feel confronting, you’re not alone. Most of us were never taught how to communicate openly about intimacy or desire. But naming what’s been unspoken is the first step. You might:
Journal about your needs before you share them.
Start conversations from curiosity, not blame.
Ask your partner gentle, open-ended questions.
Reflect honestly: does this relationship feel supportive and connected?
Explore relationship counselling together if your partner is open to it, or on your own if you need support navigating what’s surfacing.
This isn’t about fixing everything overnight. It’s about beginning to bring light to the patterns that have been hidden, unknown, or unspoken for years.
A Gentle Reminder
Libido isn’t lost - it’s often simply hidden under layers of shame, resentment, stress, and silence. By learning to love your body again, exploring what brings you pleasure, reflecting honestly on your relationships and maybe experimenting with HRT, you lay the foundation for desire to naturally re-emerge.