Desire Doesn’t Begin in the Bedroom
The first step to rediscovering libido is reconnecting with yourself
Many women reach midlife wondering “Where did my libido go? How do I get it back? Hormones can be a good place to start - and for some women, they do ease symptoms or make intimacy more comfortable. But libido isn’t just biological. Without addressing the emotional layers - such as stress, disconnection from ourselves, or unmet needs - it’s hard to find that true sense of desire again.
That’s why many women find themselves simply going through the motions, even if sex feels uncomfortable, or stepping away from it altogether. Both can take a toll on our health and wellbeing and, if we’re in a relationship, on the closeness we share with a partner.”
So the question becomes: how do we bring back desire, and reignite intimacy in a way that feels real, lasting, and enjoyable?
One of the strongest messages from our last wellness evening with Lara Boielle and Jo Amor was this: before we can reconnect with desire, we have to reconnect with ourselves.
Why Reconnection Matters
You can’t truly connect with another person if you’re disconnected from yourself. If you don’t know what you want or what you desire, how can you communicate it?
Intimacy is harder when we don’t know what our own needs are, or when they’ve gone unspoken for so long.
Many of us have spent years, even decades, in caregiving roles. We’re often looking after children, partners, parents, households, careers. Somewhere along the way, we stopped asking:
Who am I?
What do I truly want?
What do I desire?
For many, these questions feel selfish, indulgent or even irrelevant. But the truth is, without them, we become strangers to ourselves. And when that happens, desire naturally fades into the background.
Coming Home to Yourself
Reconnection isn’t about bubble baths or surface-level self-care. It begins with safety, feeling grounded in your body, your relationships, and your own presence. Without that sense of safety, it’s hard to be truly open to intimacy or pleasure.
Creating space just for you is the starting point. It gives your nervous system the chance to slow down, rather than constantly responding to everyone else’s needs. Practices such as breathwork, meditation, sound healing, or yoga can help build a deeper sense of safety within yourself. That’s why I’ve been weaving these nervous system regulation practices into our women’s evenings: they offer different doorways into peace and presence, so you can begin to feel what it’s like when your body softens and your mind slows down, and you finally have room to hear yourself again.
But finding space and time for yourself doesn’t need to be complicated or structured. It might look like:
Sitting with a journal and writing down your honest answers to Who am I? What do I want?
Walking in nature without distractions.
Creating small daily rituals - ten or twenty minutes of quiet that says “I matter.”
Even the smallest practices, done consistently, begin to re-establish a relationship with yourself.
The Work (and Why It Matters)
This stage of reconnection can feel uncomfortable. It asks us to sit with all parts of ourselves - even the ones we’ve been avoiding, or the ones we feel shame around. But as Lara reminded us, that discomfort is also the doorway to change. When we stay with ourselves and allow space to process what we’re truly feeling, new possibilities begin to open.
Jo added that it’s in facing those parts of us with compassion that change truly becomes possible. Rest, meditation, and moments of stillness aren’t indulgences - they’re how we give ourselves the safety and softness to meet what we find within.
This work isn’t always easy. But it lays the foundation for clarity, vitality, intimacy and the possibility of genuine desire to re-emerge.
A Gentle Invitation
If you don’t know where to start, that’s ok. Begin with a question. Begin with quiet. Or, if you’d like support, this is where coaching or therapy can help you safely explore who you are and what you want.
Because the truth is this: desire grows when we feel safe, connected, and at home within ourselves.