I don't want to be a Matriarch – if it means running myself ragged!

The joke that wasn't really a joke

I remember joking with a friend about stepping into the matriarch role – yes, I'm at that age! I said there's absolutely no way I wanted to become a matriarch as to me it just means doing everything for everyone else – no thank you!

Where that came from

I do understand that the traditional role of the matriarch means being a strong female leader/role model, and my mum absolutely was that in so many ways. But growing up, I also watched her run herself ragged doing everything for everyone, and that's the bit I knew I didn't want to carry forward.

And when I look around, it feels like this is what the matriarch role has become in many families - that endless, invisible caretaking. Looking after the adult kids, making sure everyone else is okay before you even ask if you're ok. And, is anyone in the family asking if you're ok? Somewhere along the way for many women being a matriarch stopped looking like wisdom and leadership and started looking a lot more like servitude.

I don't think that's what matriarch means for everyone. It's just what I witnessed in my own family. But once I saw it, I couldn't unsee it - and I knew I didn't want to hand that down. But there is no denying it is hard to break that conditioning.

Redefining it on my terms

So what do I want being a matriarch to look like for me? It means gathering family together and, it means stepping into leadership, yes. But real feminine leadership - the kind that comes from inner strength.

And by strength, I don't mean pushing through, running on empty, or sacrificing myself for everyone else. I mean the strength to regulate my own nervous system, to rest without guilt, to look after myself. Because that's the only way I can show up for anyone else. And more than that, it's the example I want to set for my daughters and the younger women coming up – that we don't have to choose between caring for people and burning out.

And look, I'm not going to pretend this is easy. It's a hard pattern to break. I still catch myself slipping back into old habits and feeling like I'm being selfish – saying yes when I really mean no, feeling guilty when I do say no or actually rest. There's no denying it's hard, but it's just one step at a time.

Over to you

This might be something you've never actually stopped to think about. It's so easy to just follow the example we were given – we're too busy running our lives to even ask what role we want to play. But I think it's worth thinking about.

So, here's the question for you. If you're stepping into that matriarch role - whether it's with your own family, your community, or the younger women in your life - what does it look like for you? What version are you choosing? And what would it feel like to do it differently than the women who came before you?