Sorry…not sorry!
Last week I attended a women’s networking lunch in Sydney, hosted by Collabor8Women.The theme was “Sorry, not sorry.” Such a great topic. It sparked such good conversations about why women, in particular, say sorry so often. Even when there’s nothing to apologise for.
Now I’m English, and we are renowned for apologising especially when we don’t really mean it; it’s practically part of our national character! But this tendency isn’t just cultural, it’s something many women around the world struggle with. Speaking about it with other women at the lunch reminded me how deeply it runs.
Where It Starts
Around the tables and on the panel, we explored where this habit comes from. One woman shared how her husband constantly urges their eight-year-old daughter to apologise for things that don’t really need an apology. She’s trying to push back on this, but it’s hard. And it struck me how early this gets ingrained.
Neuroscientist Tara Swart explains that people who apologise a lot often grew up in environments where being confident or assertive was seen as rude. Many girls, in particular, are encouraged to be “good,” “polite,” and “nice.” Speaking up too loudly, standing firm, or saying no can be labelled as bossy or difficult. Over time, this can make children feel wrong for asserting themselves or even fearful of getting into trouble. The result can be a lifelong habit of saying sorry when it isn’t really needed.
But this isn’t what we want for our daughters or for ourselves. We want girls to grow into strong, confident, emphatic women who can speak their truth without fear of being judged or punished. And we want the same freedom for ourselves.
The good news is that habits like these can be unlearned - at any age. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been saying “sorry” without meaning it; with awareness and practice, change is possible.
Breaking the Apology Cycle
No one is suggesting we should stop apologising altogether. Real apologies matter. When we hurt someone, taking responsibility and repairing the relationship is essential. A genuine apology is powerful and healing.
But the unnecessary ones, the automatic, throwaway sorrys, don’t help anyone, and they diminish the impact of the real, meaningful apologies. In fact, they can chip away at our confidence and subtly signal to others that we’re less certain, less sure of our place.
One simple reframe is to replace “sorry” with “thank you.”
Instead of: “Sorry I’m late.”
Try: “Thank you for waiting.”
Instead of: “Sorry for taking up your time.
Try: “Thank you for listening.”
This tiny shift transforms guilt into gratitude. The other person feels appreciated rather than burdened, and you come across as confident rather than apologetic.
There are even practical tools to help. The Chrome extension called Just Not Sorry highlights undermining words in your emails like “sorry,” “just,” “I think”, and encourages you to reframe. It can make you far more aware of the language you use without thinking.
Awareness in Action
The day after the event, I decided to notice my own “sorrys.” I’ve always known I’m a chronic apologiser but even I was surprised at how often it cropped up.
At the supermarket, I apologised when a man walked into my trolley!
I apologised to the cashier for not having my reusable shopping bag ready to use at the supermarket check out.
Later, I apologised to my husband for serving grilled salmon for dinner because I’d planned something fancier but just ran out of time.
Not one of these moments warranted an apology. I wasn’t sorry. Yet the words spilled out as if on autopilot.
That’s the tricky thing about habits, they live under the surface. Until we shine a light on them, we don’t even notice they’re there. Which is why awareness is such a powerful first step.
At the lunch, they suggested starting small. Begin with your emails. Notice how often you type “sorry” when you could use more direct, confident language. Or try swapping it for gratitude: “Thank you for your patience” instead of “Sorry for the delay.”
It’s not about being less kind or less empathetic. It’s about drawing a line between genuine mistakes and those everyday moments where you’re simply being human.
An Invitation
So here’s a challenge for you this week:
Start noticing when you say “sorry.”
Ask yourself: Am I truly sorry? Or is this just habit?
Experiment with replacing it with “thank you” or another empowering phrase.
We can still be thoughtful, generous people without taking the blame for things that are not our fault or we did unintentionally. With a little awareness we can slowly break the cycle.